He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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