i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
