I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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