if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
