i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
