You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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