I cockslap morals
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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