Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize