If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
