It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
They took my balls.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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