so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
