Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
