Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
