i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
