youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Houston, we have a blender
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
