Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i think i just lost a toe
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
