just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
