So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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