my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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