It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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