I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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