Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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