My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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