Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
