trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize