At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I need moral support for this bender
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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