i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
