We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
