Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think your dad took our porno
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
