Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
