omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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