Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
