there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just gift wrapped bread.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
