you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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