So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize