i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
