We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
