I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
