You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
