That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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