she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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