just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
