I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think my fart just growled at me.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
