Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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