yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
