I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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