just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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