I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
