Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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