The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
