i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
