i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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