if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
