I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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