My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
