Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
