My nipple is on Facebook.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
