I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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