they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
