Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize